I wrote a post yesterday that may have been more aptly titled, This should have been a journal entry. I was pretty candid about the emotional, er, baggage that’s been nipping at my ass, and I’m so grateful for the vote of confidence and support from friends. (Thank you. It really means the world to me.)
But, after I posted it, I started to feel like maybe I should clarify one important point.
That is …
I’m here in Spain by choice. I can leave anytime I’d like.
My friends in Portland will proffer up their couches and welcome me back. (And I absolutely plan to take them up on these offers when I do decide to come home.) My parents will give me a room rent-free and let me stay as long as I need, while I look for new job.
To put it another way:
My problems are the problems of the privileged.
While I don’t want to diminish the emotional experience I’m having, I don’t want to exaggerate it either.
I can make my rent payments, though not as easily as before. This is a problem of privileged.
I’m well-fed, even if not eating the quinoa and sweet potato and spinach that I’d like to. This is a problem of the privileged.
I fell in love with a man. He couldn’t be faithful (though I didn’t know it at the time), and I couldn’t walk away (he used that fact to the best of his advantage). There with other incompatibilites and issues, of which I caused a fair share. But, there was no physical abuse. No children involved. No economic dependency. This is a problem of the privileged.
I’m living in a beautiful neighborhood in a beautiful city that boasts a beautiful climate, and I’m homesick. This is most definitely a problem of the privileged.
I’m educated, white, debt-free (at the moment) and have a strong safety net.
Whatever I’m going through, no matter how it rattles my confidence, no matter how it makes me question what the fuck I’m doing, it doesn’t jeopardize my health or my safety. I’m not a victim, and I certainly don’t have it bad compared to what some folks are bearing.
So, yes. Perspective might be the operative word. As well as ownership.
I’m throwing around some more clichés today!
But, really, I know I need to take ownership for where I sit right now. I have a choice in all of this, including the patterns I replicated over the last six months (or, maybe, six years? Oy.), including how I choose to deal with the challenges that Barcelona is throwing me right now.
So, thank you, thank you, for your support and love, but don’t go too easy on me, okay? :)