to clarify yesterday’s post

I wrote a post yesterday that may have been more aptly titled, This should have been a journal entry. I was pretty candid about the emotional, er, baggage that’s been nipping at my ass, and I’m so grateful for the vote of confidence and support from friends. (Thank you. It really means the world to me.)

But, after I posted it, I started to feel like maybe I should clarify one important point.

That is …

I’m here in Spain by choice. I can leave anytime I’d like.

My friends in Portland will proffer up their couches and welcome me back. (And I absolutely plan to take them up on these offers when I do decide to come home.) My parents will give me a room rent-free and let me stay as long as I need, while I look for  new job.

To put it another way:

My problems are the problems of the privileged.

While I don’t want to diminish the emotional experience I’m having, I don’t want to exaggerate it either.

I can make my rent payments, though not as easily as before. This is a problem of privileged.

I’m well-fed, even if not eating the quinoa and sweet potato and spinach that I’d like to. This is a problem of the privileged.

I fell in love with a man. He couldn’t be faithful (though I didn’t know it at the time), and I couldn’t walk away (he used that fact to the best of his advantage). There with other incompatibilites and issues, of which I caused a fair share. But, there was no physical abuse. No children involved. No economic dependency. This is a problem of the privileged.

I’m living in a beautiful neighborhood in a beautiful city that boasts a beautiful climate, and I’m homesick. This is most definitely a problem of the privileged.

I’m educated, white, debt-free (at the moment) and have a strong safety net.

Whatever I’m going through, no matter how it rattles my confidence, no matter how it makes me question what the fuck I’m doing, it doesn’t jeopardize my health or my safety. I’m not a victim, and I certainly don’t have it bad compared to what some folks are bearing.

So, yes. Perspective might be the operative word. As well as ownership.

I’m throwing around some more clichés today!

But, really, I know I need to take ownership for where I sit right now. I have a choice in all of this, including the patterns I replicated over the last six months (or, maybe, six years? Oy.), including how I choose to deal with the challenges that Barcelona is throwing me right now.

So, thank you, thank you, for your support and love, but don’t go too easy on me, okay? :)

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11 thoughts on “to clarify yesterday’s post

  1. Nice “perspective.” I think the people we eventually become is determined by the amount of speed bumps in our rear view mirror. I think you’ve just gone over a few speed bumps and your character is growing immensely. Good luck to you.

  2. Hi M- It’s good that you’re aware of all the stuff you have to be grateful for. I’ve been working on that myself. Trying to focus on what I have, instead of what I lack. I even wrote a song called “Ain’t No Upside (Livin’ On The Downside)” to reiterate to myself the importance of “looking up.” Now the song is on a Brazilian Telanovela, hahah, but that’s another story.

    These days, I’ve been really honest about why I do the things I do. Why I say the things I say. I’ve always been very self-critical, and I discovered (begrudgingly) that I am someone who tends to take others’ opinions as somehow more valid than my own. I tend to look outward for approval, rather than inward.

    So, when you wrote this clarification / follow up blog, it totally reminded me of something I would do.

    These days, I’m becoming more apt to fire it off and let the chips fall where they may. I’m an artist, so maybe that’s why it feels so natural to be more authentic and sincere. I’m not as willing to apologize for simple honesty. I’m not trying to anticipate how others will react. Instead, I’m just being real. Like Tom Petty says, “you don’t know how it feels, to be meeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

    I think the biggest struggle has been self-trust. When you can fully trust yourself, you can become a whole person.

    “What do you suppose will satisfy the soul, except to walk free and own no superior?”
    -Walt Whitman

    Best,
    Carey

    • I hear you, Carey. Do you think it’s a fine line to walk? … Being honest about your feelings versus trying to justify your feelings and label them as ‘honesty?’ Simply curious. Because I tend to struggle with that. How much of what I feel is deep-down authentic and how much is a knee-jerk reaction to something that irritates me, before I’ve really sat with the emotions and figured out what’s triggering the reaction (before calling the reaction ‘valid’).

      I think I’ve just jumbled the distinction, but perhaps you know what I mean.

      And I do agree it comes down to self-trust, and patience. Always damn patience.

      • I think the notion that we have to “please” others before pleasing ourselves is wrong. Because it sets you up on the wrong foot.

        This is it. I don’t think I can truly appreciate the wonder and life in another human being before I can appreciate that wonder and life in myself.

        Soooo, I am sorta going back to tha beginning, trying to love life like a wide-eyed 5-year-old again ;)

        But, eventually, with patience, my heart will grow into an amazing Soul Kitchen. I’ll be able to sling love everywhere. People that love me and, more importantly, people that hate me.

        I’ve been reading a little about the Essene Mirrors online, and it makes a lot of sense. You can Google “7 Essene Mirrors” if yah want.

        This is a great blog u have! I’m happy to connect with cool ppl :) I just made a new record. If you, or anyone u know would dig it, please pass along this link to 4 free tracks http://noisetrade.com/careyott

        Love! Be well.
        Carey

  3. Yeah, stop being such a wuss, yo.

    (Did that make you feel better?)

    Seriously though, we have the problems we have. Worse problems in the world don’t make ours any easier to solve. You can only work on what’s in front of you, right?

    Still, it’s good to keep perspective! Just remember you have plenty of friends in Portland pulling for you, and we also have a lovely futon upstairs you could use when you return. Cute baby included, free of charge.

  4. You don’t have to apologize for writing about it. If anything, you should be apologizing for NOT writing about it because writing is your superpower. (And, I mean, you shouldn’t be apologizing for THAT either.) FWIW, there’s plenty of us timid souls out here who admire the pluck it takes to venture intrepidly into the foreign territories (Spain, “true” love, etc), safety nets be damned. Go forth. And write about it. Or whatever else you want to write about.

    • Thanks, TJ. I imagine you know I’ll look back on it and cringe, much like I do with my fiction, but I’m working on that. In fact, you’ll be pleased to know that Spain has proven a good ground for motivation (and idle time) … the wheels are turning. Not to say that I have anything of much to show for it yet, but I’m feeling more productive (as writing goes) than I have in a while. That’s got to count for something.

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